Size 6 Fancy Shoes

I have this one pair of shoes.  They are brown with a pretty gold buckle type think on the front.  They have this little kitten heel on them and make my legs look really long. I love them. They match with anything (I suppose anything but a black dress - being brown and all). They are a perfect size 6 shoe that I bought on clearance at some department store for I think 5 dollars.  They are even more perfect now, huh?

I am a size 8.  Yes, I slip my too big, three babies later size 8 feet into these tiny little shoes and to the naked eye, I am pulling it off. If someone comments on these shoes - someone always does - I say "and I got them on clearance," proudly.

Truth?  Yeah...I can barely feel my toes, sister!  They are not a "little uncomfortable". They are "someone could chop off my toe with a machete they are so numb" uncomfortable. They hurt my feet so much, but I wear them a lot.  No. One. Ever. Knows.

I walk around in these shoes, looking fabulous, hurting so badly I need frequent secret breaks.

This is funny to me.  I'm giggling in the quiet of my living room while I write this, because this Sunday I am planning to wear this brown skirt that I have been waiting all summer to wear, and NOW people may ask about those shoes because - yeah, I'm wearing them again.

This shoe dilemma has made me consider the condition of my threadbare heart.

How often do I walk around with my heart raw in my chest, aching all over, beating loudly to be heard, or crying out for Jesus to intervene?

How often do I stomp around with pretty feet and a smiling face with an aching secret place that has become so painful I wince in secret?

How often, sweet sisters, do we walk around in our own personal communities nervous that at any moment our aching heart is going to burst right out of our chests, bare for all to see?

What if, dear ones, we - for once -  let that happen?

Today, I'm linking up at Jo Ann Fore's site in promotion of her new book, "When A Woman Finds her Voice". This masterpiece is really speaking to me. Jo Ann Fore is a gifted life coach and author who, within this book, has incorporated stories from women who have found their voices through the redeeming love of Christ Jesus and also shared tried and true methods of healing from the heart out.  Join me?  Join us?  Link up or come on over just to hang and delve into the beautiful stories of these gifted women.  Stories that express how they lost their voices or found their voices in the realms of community. 

Community for me is a difficult topic to discuss. I have a wonderful church family, an amazing group of friends and a family that really IS the coolest group of 5 people on the planet. ;) I know I am loved - loved by - above all - my God, and also my family, friends, neighbors, and the like.  However, something within screams disconnectedness. My heart (a lot like my feet in those brown fancy shoes) is crying out for mercy. There is a constant ache in my heart to feel fully connected. I am hungry for authentic relationships. Relationships that go beyond 'Hi, I like your shoes'. Relationships where I can bare my aching heart and just receive a hug.  Relationships where silent moments in the same room don't feel uncomfortable. Relationships where I feel wanted, not needed. Relationships that give, not just take.  

Community is tough for the pastor's wife.  Because I AM human. Because I HAVE feelings. Because I would easily lay my life down for my family - a lot like YOU. Attacks on my husband's spirituality, ability, and behavior feel like a daggers in my heart.  There really isn't a lot of time that flows by where someone in my beloved community is not upset about something or with the man I love the most. In my community, the soul deep connection I made with someone could be challenged by the color of the carpet or the lack of an available program to meet a need within minutes. Getting too close with a fellow momma who I have everything in common with creates feelings for others of unfairness. In my community, my reality is that if someone gets upset, they may not say hello when I so desperately need a smile on a morning where I had to fight with every one of my children and wield them across the ally to church while sweating profusely in the dead of winter without the help of my husband. A vote swayed in an undesirable direction may mean that I need to tread a bit more lightly with someone I felt was really beginning to connect with me.  I rarely know what to expect and always feel overwhelmed by my Pastor's wife calling.  I am an introvert. I could collapse on Sunday afternoon from exhaustion and from trying to be social...or trying to pull it off, at least.  

I have been caught off guard in my early thirties at how much like high school adult life feels like at times.  I think of 16 year old me, always on the outskirts of that crowd everyone wanted to be a part of. I think back to people within the surrounding community that stole my voice through power moves and revenge - Theater directors, coaches, teachers, and family that felt it necessary to abuse the heart of a young girl by 'keeping her out' - convincing her vulnerable heart that she was never or never will be 'good enough'. 

These are reflections, but how often are we confronted with these same negative feelings? It is frightening how close they actually are.  High school is over, but the sin that entangles us as young girls - as young immature torturers of each other - is still very much a part of community now.   

Gossiping mean girls, judgmental glances and jealousy plague our adult communities and send us reeling back to the 16 year old versions of ourselves - threatening to take all of what God has restored. 

For me, these feelings surface so easily. Too easily.  Simple things send me back to 'you will never be good enough'.  It is so much easier in my role as a pastor's wife to continue to serve others without trying to find those meaningful connections.  So much easier to paint on the smile and stand tall, in those fancy brown shoes of course, knowing in solitude that I can fall apart with no one knowing.  But, God does not want this from me. When I retreat to solitude, I hear Him calling to me - come to ME, daughter, heal in ME, daughter, grow in ME, daughter.  "When we stifle the need for connection, we sacrifice a healing intimacy and companionship, forfeiting the opportunity to unfold that which cannot be discovered in solitude" (Jo Ann Fore, When A Woman Finds Her Voice).  

Truth is, my fear of connecting because I will get hurt again cannot keep me or us from the very important practice of connecting.  The truth that I will never meet everyone's needs and meet everyone's expectations, and will always make someone mad and hurt someone's feelings unknowingly should not keep me from seeking genuine community with those around me. 

The enemy would have me believe that what God has restored in my heart these past 15 years is a lie.  The enemy wants me to stay in solitude and keep my heart pain as a secret. Satan would have me focus on the pain that community has caused my heart pain, and stay away....and I could. I actually think it's easier to hide - to try to forget.  Thinking about piling on more hurt, more reasons to distrust, make me afraid to join, but hiding is an illusion.  Hiding won't heal us - it hurts us more.   

As I try to navigate through the pain of being hurt, I am using Jo Ann's new book as a tool in my healing. I took a pledge with my fellow launch team members, and REALLY, REALLY want you to take it too. Together we can create authentic communities where genuine connections are made and kept and satan is sent away as the deceptive force he is. 

Directions for pledge:

1. Click on the picture below.

2. Follow the prompts on the pledge page.

3. Submit.

4. Go to your e-mail and confirm.

5. Go back to page and see your name! (You must 'confirm' on the e-mail if you want your name to show up)

     

       

When A Woman Finds Her Voice - Behind the Mask

    

Today I am linking up over at Jo Ann Fore’s site with some other really awesome women. There, we are sharing a true prayer from the depths of our souls that God would unveil our masks. Many of us have stories that exemplify how God was able to lift our masks, allowing us to be more authentic followers of Him. I hope you will join us and through their words gain hope and encouragement. If you're a blogger, link up as well.  If not, write your thoughts in the comment section below or on Jo Ann's page.  

While you are there be sure to check out the information on Jo Ann’s new book titled “When A Woman Finds Her Voice” – soon to be released.

Being real. Authentic. What does it mean. Webster describes this word as "something that is not imitation or artificial. Genuine." Genuine. Bona fide. True. Proper. Palpable. Am I these? Am I who I say I am behind the doors of the home I reside? An even more sobering question haunts....Am I who I am on Facebook, or other social media?  Are you?

Very sobering indeed. Jo Ann Fore's book - When A Woman Finds Her Voice has really begun to shape the places of my heart that I have allowed to become complacent. The places where I don't want anyone to see. The places that if they were to be exposed for the world to see, I would hide, too shamed to show my eyes.

Why do we pretend? Why do we hide who we really are?  Better question yet, why do we feel the need to become someone we were never meant to be?

Why do we wear masks that hide our true selves?

   

For me, not very long ago, my true self was something that I wanted to hide. I had a few masks I would use to hide behind. I had one foot in church and one foot in my world.  I would go to church every Sunday, sing on the praise and worship team, pray, listen and leave, knowing thinking that I had restored myself - filled a reserve perhaps that would get me through to the following Sunday - until I put my mask on again.  Upon leaving I would reassure myself, knowing I had, once again, given my life to Christ like I had maybe 30 times before. My drive to go to church was to relieve my quilt for the destructive lifestyle I was living. To feel better about the choices I was making - and for awhile - it worked. However, the more that I allowed God's truths to penetrate my heart, the less room there was for the destruction, toxicity, and bad choices. The emptiness I began to feel was heavy and painful and something I couldn't contend with. I cried without tears and longed for peace - Peace that extended beyond Sunday morning. Peace that could only come from hanging up my pretender self and finally being who God was calling me to be.

My question - the one that created a longing to hang up the masks - the one that called me two feet in with reckless abandonment:

"God, there has to be more to this life then broken hearts and an empty soul - something beyond broken promises and unrequited love that leaves me feeling powerful but oh so lonely. So - what is it?" This time in my life, I was desperate for an answer. I cried out to Him and He answered me.  In an audible way,  all He said was, "Be still, Daughter." To me this meant stop trying to look the part and be the part.

For me, I was at the end of a very long, exhausting road when I handed in my masks.  Salvation for me came rushing in like a true promise - Loving a Father who would love me back. This picture was hard for me to grasp. "Girls who need their daddy are weak, girls who need men to support them are pathetic." This mask I wore - this lie - it didn't protect me from being hurt, it kept me away from a Father figure I sorely missed.  A Father that would fight for me. A Father that didn't need me, but wanted me anyway - and that, my friends - was something I so desperately wanted, and because I was ready, and His promises are true (Jeremiah 29:13), my God rushed in and restored my broken heart, assuring me I didn't need to hide behind my pain of not being loved, because I am loved.

When I revisit this time in my life, I think of a sweet friend of mine. I am always indebted to her. Although distance has separated us, she is still so very special to me because this sweet sister in Christ gave me friendship that served as the first positive role model for me. This positive relationship gave me the strength I needed to leave the things of this world behind - the things hindering from grabbing a hold of the relationship God had promised me long ago - the things that held me back from truly experiencing the love of a Father. I always think Satan must have been furious during this time, because the removal of that mask has spiraled into so many beautiful life blessings - ones I would have missed if it hadn't been for her example and her love.

In Jo Ann's book, she speaks of beautiful friends like these.  She says, "Those times we can't believe in ourselves, those are the times we have to hold onto what others believe for us," (Fore, When A Woman Finds Her Voice). I wish everyone had a friend like the one I speak of.  She believed I could heal and loved me through a lot of really hard stuff, and I will always be grateful.  

I still hide - still occasionally retreat to a pretender version of who God has designed me to be.  I imagine Satan thinks it as a great victory for himself when a woman forgets who God has created her to be, and takes off on a path where she thinks she won't be uncovered.  Hiding feels safe because it gives us the illusion that we are going to be ok as long as no one around us uncovers what we are hiding.  Truth is, "Hiding won't protect our hearts forever. No matter how high our walls, someone will eventually find us," (Fore, When A Woman Finds Her Voice). For me, that someone was God and because God is so, so good, He also gave me beautiful friends, who wanted better for me.

Hiding is no longer easy for me, and although at times I wish it was, God's design and plan for my life compels me to be honest with those around me when my heart isn't where it should be. God's plan for you, sweet sisters, is to take off your mask and share your struggle.  This design uncovers the lies of Satan in a way that strips him of his power. When we strip him of his power, we begin to heal, when we begin to heal, God is glorified!

What masks are YOU wearing today?  Are you the pretender version of the mom you want to be? Are you struggling with a gossip problem that prohibits you from having authentic relationships? Are you a flatterer? Are you a "perfect homemaker" to everyone else, but a disaster emotionally - working to keep up with the image you are trying to portray?

God wants to heal your heart of your need to hide behind your mask of choice, and I want to hear about what God is doing in your life!

As Jo Ann so eloquently illuminates - derived from her own personal story of God's redeeming love,

"We intend to hide our shortcomings, and the fear inside our heart, but instead we hide our beauty, our true selves." - Jo Ann Fore)

What Beauty of self are you hiding today? 

Almost here - Pre Order today!

Release Date: October 8, 2013

When A Woman Finds Her Voice 

Life coach and Author - Jo Ann Fore