Saturday, February 25, 2012

Raising a daughter

My husband and I are blessed with the unbelievably, overwhelming responsibility of raising a daughter.  God gave her to us, and we need to do something with her.  That "something" keeps me on my knees daily.  I have no idea what I am doing.  I seldom feel equipped for this particular responsibility.  Not only am I clueless, God put me in a place where EVERYONE is watching: "the front pew".  The wife of a pastor, the mother of pastor's kids.  I am responsible for creating super Christians, right!?!  Missionaries or something....little people who grow up to change the world or maybe even walk on water.  Kids who sit in the front pew and color at the ripe old age of 2.  It is no wonder why most pastor's kids often put on running shoes and split the second they get a chance.  Anyway, that's a blog for another day. :)

Nora is complex.  She is silly and dramatic, conscious of her surroundings but a bit batty, needy but independent, compliant and rebellious.  She makes us laugh and surprises us with the amount of "stuff" stored in her brain (honestly, that part is terrifying).  She is observant and never misses a thing.  She is dynamic and requires so much more than I am capable of giving.

I often find myself asking God (literally looking up and saying), "What were you thinking?  I can't do this!"  You may think I am crazy, implying (let alone admitting) to the creator of the universe that He may have made a mistake, but honesty is my thing - I can't stop saying out loud what is in my head.  I recently discovered the name if this syndrome..."gumball head".  (Thank you Pepper! ;) )

Sometimes ALL of the time, I watch her.  I love her so much that it is scary.  I want to keep her safe, and I want her heart to feel good.  I want her to know what it is like to be loved and feel loved. I want her to feel that my love is evenly distributed between her and her brother (tricky).  I want her to know she can talk to me.  I want her to know her dad loves her and cares about her heart.  I want her to feel like she is going to have a chance to be anything she wants to be.  I want her to eat her dinner.  I want her to eat something besides fruit snacks without an all-out tantrum on the floor (especially not in public).  I want her to know her alphabet and how to count to 10.  I want her to think (forever) that people are good and won't hurt her.  I want her to think people love her daddy and me (we aren't really people pleasers, but this is a hard one.  At any given moment, by the natural consequences of the life we lead, someone or more than someone is upset with us.), I want her to feel like she has one home not two (one with beds and one with pews), I want her to feel like she belongs, I want her to know she can say what she feels without judgement.  I just want....I could go on forever really, and I want YOU to read the rest of this blog, so I won't. :)

My parents loved me, I know that because I am 29 and I get it.  But, as a little girl, I never really knew or felt that love.  I don't remember feeling good enough or just, well, loved.  It is sad when I think of it.  It has caused some things late in life that I wish I didn't have to deal with.  But, I am determined to change that for the little people God has given me.

God guides me in this endeavor.  He shows me the way, minute by minute, because He knows that is what I need.

I recently read a great book called, "Captivating".  The authors of this book describe it best, so I will leave it up to them. 

"Every little girl has dreams of being rescued by the hero, of being swept away into a great adventure, of being the beautiful princess.  Sadly, when women grow up, they are taught to be tough, efficient, and independent.  Many Christian women are tired, struggling under the weight of the pressure to be a good servant, a nurturing caregiver, passionate lover, or capable home manager."     

My heart has suffered many wounds, but God is concerned with giving back to me what was originally defined in the image of a passionate God.  I was once a little girl.  I once held precious dreams and beautiful hopes in my heart.  Those hopes and dreams were lost in the sin and dysfunction I encountered.  God promises to heal those wounds.  It was revolutionary to me that the God of Heaven was concerned and remains concerned in restoring me so I can be who He needs me to be for our daughter.  He has rescued my heart and released me to live a fully alive and feminine life within the plan He has for me.  My daughter's heart matters to God, and it is my responsibility to preserve those hopes and dreams for my little girl.  He comes as the hero of my story so that I can teach my daughter HE can be the hero of hers, too.  

As terrified I am to raise this little girl, God is on the job of teaching me how.  He will keep me strong so that she can live, fully knowing she is a beautiful, beloved  child of God.

I will do nothing in MY power, and everything in GOD's to ensure she knows she is 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Introduction to blogging!

So, I am not even sure if anyone wants to hear what I have to say, but I have been feeling led for awhile now to start a blog.  How fun!  I have no idea what I am doing, but I am slowly catching on, so if you are here - thanks for stopping!

I am a wife and a mother of two adorable children.  My husband is a pastor, which makes me...a pastor's wife.  If you had asked me 10 years ago if I would be in a church let alone be married to a pastor, the resounding scream would be NO!  God has brought me to places I have never thought I would end up let alone feel equipped for.  Many refer to ministry families (namely families in the pastorate) as living life in a fishbowl - everyone walks by and looks at the fish, they feed the fish, they watch the fish do everything.  It is enjoyable to gaze at fish, to guess what they are thinking, and to bang on the glass and get them to do things. 

I love my life!  I really do!  And I am not just telling myself (or you) that!  Interesting Funny Crazy Normal stuff happens to us, which is one of the reasons I feel led to tell you our tales....our life....written blogs.

A few interesting facts about me:  
  • I am an introvert, but fake the other one well.  At the end of every Sunday, I am exhausted. :)
  • I mop the floors at least once a week, because they "feel" dirty.
  • I hate mess, but hate cleaning. Love/Hate. 
  • I get annoyed too easily. (working on that...)
  • I started sewing and quilting at least 2 years ago and despite the best intentions, I have yet to finish a project.
  • Watching my husband interact with our daughter warms my heart.
  • Breastfeeding is burdensome to me, but I refuse to buy something God has equipped me to make.
  • I am uncomfortably tight cheap with money.
  • I hate folding laundry.
  • I have a twin sister and secretly (not anymore) am thankful to God I didn't conceive any.
  • Incidentally, my husband is convinced my real family is out there somewhere...separated at birth. :)
  • I love sleep.  I have an infant living in my house right now....enough said.
  • I LOVE coffee.  I really couldn't live without it.
  • My ideas are the best and God consistently reminds me that they aren't.
  • I love clothes.  I have never paid retail value for any clothing item. EVER.
  • I taught elementary and special education for five years before becoming a stay-at-home mom.
  • I forget everything.  It drives my "supernatural memory" equipped husband crazy.
  • I am a perfectionist and a procrastinator.  Worst. Combination. Ever.
  • Bi-annually, I get the urge to purge.
  • I like organization, but am not always organized.
  • I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.  Especially running.
  • Natural light during daytime hours is my favorite, and dark rooms make me anxious.
  • If I wasn't worried about gaining 100 pounds, I would eat cake and ice cream multiple times a day.
  • I drive too fast.
  • I yell too much. (working on that too).
  • Sometimes I act weird just to make my daughter laugh.
  • I sing everyday, sometimes all my daughter does too.
  • We have Disney, Broadway, and hymn sings in our home daily.  My infant son just stares at us...soon he will be powerless to join.
  • I graduated Summa Cum Laude and my kids don't care.
  • I am a classically trained Soprano I and NO ONE cares.
  • Heavy metal music stresses me out.
  • I love the grocery store.  It is peaceful at 5 am.  
  • I find it invigorating to save money with coupons, but am too lazy to spend time clipping them.
  • I am a worrier thinker.  I worry think all of the time, even when I sleep.  I worry think all of the time. I worry think about worrying thinking.  
  • Sarcasm is fun.
  • I DO NOT enjoy talking on the phone.  I find it awkward...especially when saying goodbye.  (It's me, not you.)
  • Waking up before 6 is excruciating for me.  But worth it. 
  • My husband is my pastor...forever. 
  • I seldom cry.       
  • Quiet people and people who don't smile make me nervous.
  • Pet Peeves: Open cabinet doors, chewing with mouth open, standing in doorways or pathways, lateness, indecisiveness, and talking to someone who isn't listening. 
  • If I were a millionaire, I would most likely still clean my own house.....but I would hire a chef.  
  • I hate summer because my hair rarely looks nice.
  • I love winter because I am ALWAYS 1000 degrees. (I feel anxious when I think of menopause) 

I am so excited about this.  Hopefully someone else is, too! 

 I will end by saying....I have nothing figured out...nothing...but can, at any moment, fool anyone into thinking I do!  

I am an unlikely pastor's wife, raising pastor's kids. Perpetually behind on laundry and housework, loving almost every minute of this blessed life!