Saturday, February 25, 2012

Raising a daughter

My husband and I are blessed with the unbelievably, overwhelming responsibility of raising a daughter.  God gave her to us, and we need to do something with her.  That "something" keeps me on my knees daily.  I have no idea what I am doing.  I seldom feel equipped for this particular responsibility.  Not only am I clueless, God put me in a place where EVERYONE is watching: "the front pew".  The wife of a pastor, the mother of pastor's kids.  I am responsible for creating super Christians, right!?!  Missionaries or something....little people who grow up to change the world or maybe even walk on water.  Kids who sit in the front pew and color at the ripe old age of 2.  It is no wonder why most pastor's kids often put on running shoes and split the second they get a chance.  Anyway, that's a blog for another day. :)

Nora is complex.  She is silly and dramatic, conscious of her surroundings but a bit batty, needy but independent, compliant and rebellious.  She makes us laugh and surprises us with the amount of "stuff" stored in her brain (honestly, that part is terrifying).  She is observant and never misses a thing.  She is dynamic and requires so much more than I am capable of giving.

I often find myself asking God (literally looking up and saying), "What were you thinking?  I can't do this!"  You may think I am crazy, implying (let alone admitting) to the creator of the universe that He may have made a mistake, but honesty is my thing - I can't stop saying out loud what is in my head.  I recently discovered the name if this syndrome..."gumball head".  (Thank you Pepper! ;) )

Sometimes ALL of the time, I watch her.  I love her so much that it is scary.  I want to keep her safe, and I want her heart to feel good.  I want her to know what it is like to be loved and feel loved. I want her to feel that my love is evenly distributed between her and her brother (tricky).  I want her to know she can talk to me.  I want her to know her dad loves her and cares about her heart.  I want her to feel like she is going to have a chance to be anything she wants to be.  I want her to eat her dinner.  I want her to eat something besides fruit snacks without an all-out tantrum on the floor (especially not in public).  I want her to know her alphabet and how to count to 10.  I want her to think (forever) that people are good and won't hurt her.  I want her to think people love her daddy and me (we aren't really people pleasers, but this is a hard one.  At any given moment, by the natural consequences of the life we lead, someone or more than someone is upset with us.), I want her to feel like she has one home not two (one with beds and one with pews), I want her to feel like she belongs, I want her to know she can say what she feels without judgement.  I just want....I could go on forever really, and I want YOU to read the rest of this blog, so I won't. :)

My parents loved me, I know that because I am 29 and I get it.  But, as a little girl, I never really knew or felt that love.  I don't remember feeling good enough or just, well, loved.  It is sad when I think of it.  It has caused some things late in life that I wish I didn't have to deal with.  But, I am determined to change that for the little people God has given me.

God guides me in this endeavor.  He shows me the way, minute by minute, because He knows that is what I need.

I recently read a great book called, "Captivating".  The authors of this book describe it best, so I will leave it up to them. 

"Every little girl has dreams of being rescued by the hero, of being swept away into a great adventure, of being the beautiful princess.  Sadly, when women grow up, they are taught to be tough, efficient, and independent.  Many Christian women are tired, struggling under the weight of the pressure to be a good servant, a nurturing caregiver, passionate lover, or capable home manager."     

My heart has suffered many wounds, but God is concerned with giving back to me what was originally defined in the image of a passionate God.  I was once a little girl.  I once held precious dreams and beautiful hopes in my heart.  Those hopes and dreams were lost in the sin and dysfunction I encountered.  God promises to heal those wounds.  It was revolutionary to me that the God of Heaven was concerned and remains concerned in restoring me so I can be who He needs me to be for our daughter.  He has rescued my heart and released me to live a fully alive and feminine life within the plan He has for me.  My daughter's heart matters to God, and it is my responsibility to preserve those hopes and dreams for my little girl.  He comes as the hero of my story so that I can teach my daughter HE can be the hero of hers, too.  

As terrified I am to raise this little girl, God is on the job of teaching me how.  He will keep me strong so that she can live, fully knowing she is a beautiful, beloved  child of God.

I will do nothing in MY power, and everything in GOD's to ensure she knows she is 

1 comment:

  1. Great stuff. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Wild at Heart, which is the man version of captivating by John Eldridge. I have heard really great things about captivating.