Monday, February 25, 2013

Talking to God about toothpaste.....

You've been there.  Perhaps you aren't as terrible of a grocery shopper as I tend to be.  I don't make lists, and I ALWAYS forget something.  Things like - toothpaste - for example.  

Shopping day is tomorrow, but you need to brush your teeth TONIGHT!  You know there has to be at least enough for one more brush in that tube and you are willing to do anything you need to do to get it out.  I have been known to cut the tube in half and wipe clean the remaining paste, but that is end of the line desperation, and I haven't been there in awhile.

This is the kind of day, well days, I have been having.  I am 1 million months pregnant.  All I can think of when I am walking from one point to another is, "Pain!"  I usually discipline myself to wake up before my children, at least one hour, so that I can read my devotions, pray and drink at least one cup of coffee, but sleep, precious sleep, has won out more mornings than I would like to admit to lately, and I am waking up and immediately meeting needs of others.  I wake up every day and feel pain right away, but know that I must get moving.  I must get that pretty little girl breakfast and that bouncy little boy some milk before they both lose their minds.  I must make coffee.  I must take check my blood sugar and take my insulin.  I must, I must, I must.  I must crawl out from under the covers, and get things done, even though my body does not agree.

.....and it isn't her fault.  It isn't the fault of this happy, full spirited 3 year old that is so excited to see me she could bust.  I have spent more time praying that very sentence.....

 "This is not her fault, Lord.  Give me grace...give me peace....give me patience." 

She just wants me....all of me.....and I have nothing left.  It is only 8 AM!  

I was brushing my teeth, praying that prayer, and thought........

"Lord, I am this toothpaste.  It has nothing left, and I am trying with all my might to get something out of it, even if I have to cut it open - physically dismantle it - to get what I want."  

It makes me laugh to think of it.....perhaps it's delirium setting in.  

I just feel like an empty tube of toothpaste.  Like a physically altered, empty tube of toothpaste.  

That poor, defenseless tube of toothpaste has no hope, no restoration, no chance of survival.  When I have time, I will throw that one away and replace it with a new one - one just like the rest.    

My babies need their mommy.  No one else can be their mommy, but me.  I can't be replaced.  I have no choice...I must keep going, and I will, because I love them with a love that is unreal to me. 

So, as I sit here, with my mommy heart bursting with all the bad choices I made today, I have no real point, but perhaps the biggest truth I can hold on to.

I have Jesus......I have a God who cares about my inability to meet the demands of these crazy days....and walks with me through the empty parts.  He won't throw me away and replace me, but give me the energy I need for one more minute...or second.  

So, for tomorrow......

"Lord, Give me Grace, give me peace, and give me patience, but in this time of being emptied beyond capacity - give me strength - because without it, I won't make it one more day."



No comments:

Post a Comment