Saturday, October 5, 2013

31 Days: Words

The threads from growing up are weaved within us - good AND bad.  We carry into our marriage things that are lovely and things that are love-less. Things that are honoring and things that damage. Actions that we want our children to model and actions we wish they'd forget.

One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn in my marriage is that what we carry with us, comes, whether we invite it or not.

I entered this marriage carried by Jesus and although I force Him to put me down so I can run every now and then, He governs my days, and I allow Him to lead. He is always there when I crawl back into His arms. He always takes me back, sin stains and all - reassuring me that His mercies are new every morning. And - oh - how I love that truth. To my core, I feel that mercy is so very necessary glue for the pieces of my heart. I am desperate for it - and fortunate for me - He gives it to me - over and over again - for free.

My story is sorted. My past messy. I lived solely on Michelle power for way too long. When I think of my choices, my destructive behavior, I imagine Jesus cringing, wishing I wouldn't go there. I think of my marriage in this respect with choices I've made in discussion with my husband. When I just bring the conversation to a place it shouldn't go and use words that are meant to hurt, not heal or foster growth.  I use these words because in the moment they give me a false sense of power, like I've won, but in hindsight I find myself saying almost out loud, "I've won what?" The words always leave our marriage wounded and me, more broken then before.

The amazing part about loving Jesus, about allowing Him to correct us - 

I feel Him calling to me in moments of becoming unglued. I hear Him calling to me 'Be Still, Daughter."  And when I listen - when I obey - He stills my heart and stops damaging words - and protects me from damaging the man that is MY biggest fan.  

I am becoming better at being still.  Better every day. It is beautiful when I listen. It is a strange baggage I have brought into this relationship - thinking that if I just keep rambling on about my point, my husband will hear me and see it my way.  If I just keep speaking - my husband will surely see it my way.

'Be still, Daughter.....he cannot hear my voice over the sounds of your yelling.' 

You see, my point when I'm wronged, no matter how good a defense I posses, never goes anywhere without the power of Christ in me. My words are like sand on the boardwalk - lost and blowing around aimlessly. Learning to allow God to do what ONLY He can do is a humbling experience. 

Learning to trust Him when you could easily defend yourself is nearly impossible in your own strength.   

Gaining a temporary power that feels so good, lasts like a vapor - realizing what your power move has damaged. 

If I could Be Still, God will always silence Satan all by Himself.  

He is cool like that.    

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